No sun please, we're Swedish

Dear Marc, I know I’m not the palest person in India. The reason I know this is because we got stuck in an elephant parade the other day, and in the human flood that swept by us, I saw an albino man. Him aside, I might well take the price for least pigmented body this side of England. I inherited my pasty white skin tone from dad. We call his legs the family treasure, since they’re two perfect pillars of marble.

I didn’t bring a bikini from home. It was on my long ”I’ll just buy one in India”-list. I didn’t think about the fact that most Indian women go swimming in their sarees. Especially at the place we’re at now, where the beach is considered a holy place, shared by Indian pilgrims and a varied assortment of western New Agers.

There was only one bikini to choose from so I had to buy that very one. It was yellow and there was no way to tell the bottom’s front from back. Ill-fitting may be the word I’m looking for here.

But at least now I had a bikini and could go swimming in the ocean to escape the heat. I tried it on in the night and had a laugh. The same night, I also decided to quit breast feeding for a million little reasons.

In the morning, I looked like a very pale, brunette Pammy Andersson. To tone down my unbelievable sex appeal, I wore glasses to the beach. Indian men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses. I know this for a fact since I recently read an agony aunt piece in a local paper about a girl who wanted eye surgery out of fear that glasses would ruin her chances of ever getting married.

The ocean was warm and lovely and bowled me over with salt water waves. I tumbled and fell and enjoyed rolling in the waves until I noticed that the world was all soft around the edges. The Arabian sea had stolen my glasses.

I stumbled up on the beach, with enormous breasts, marble legs and an incredible shrinking yellow bikini. My only solace was that since I was blind, I didn’t have to meet the appalled stares from the Indian pilgrims of the holy beach.

I need to invest in a new bikini and a new pair of glasses. Have any seasonal suggestions from your collection Mr Jacobs?

‘Til you tell me what to wear, you’ll find me swimming in a saree too.

Love
-e